Panic Attacks are something I used to watch my sister have. I knew the signs, we would usually be in town or in a shop, she would start playing with her hair. It would turn from a twiddling into pulling before she’d drop to the floor.
It was frightening for the people around us but equally very embarrassing for my sister. What was worse is that as she began to fear more that she would have a panic attack, she would get more worked up and it became a self fulfilling prophesy.
I experienced my first panic attack out of the blue and it I have to say it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I thought I was going to die. I had just boarded a flight in Bucharest heading back to the UK after an enjoyable couple of weeks with friends. When I noticed a strong thought that the plane I was on was about to be involved in a terrorist attack.
As much as I tried to put this irrational thought out of mind, the stronger and more intense it became. I was now aware of being able to feel the thought. My hands sweaty, my heart pounding, and my vision narrowing. I became acutely aware of how small the plane felt, how closely packed together we were, and began to feel like I couldn’t breath. I felt sure I was suffocating.
I had lost any sense of what was going on around me and by this stage the plane was being pushed back ready for the taxi to the runway.
I needed out and I was going to get out, that was all that I could think about. The belief that the plane was about to be involved in something awful was now certain to me.
As I stood up the cabin crew began shouting at me to sit down, I wasn’t listening. I was focussed on getting off. The next 10 minutes are a blur, but the fire team were called to open to door and the police arrived swiftly.
I remember them taking my arms and pulling me down the steps and into the back of their police car. I remember focussing on the gun in their belt. I was suddenly aware of how sick I was feeling. I was taken to a police cell and shut in a tiny cell. A different officer arrived and asked if I had taken drugs, and I tried to communicate that I wasn’t well. Eventually they called an ambulance that arrived and they tried to inject me with something. I declined and they left in a huff.
I was then quite literally kicked out of the airport. It was the middle of the night, it was freezing cold, I had very little money and I was only 18 years old. I asked for help at the ticket desk and got shouted out by a man who thought I was taking his photo.
It was a traumatising experience, so much so I actually wondered if I would need to find a way to travel by road home. In the end a friend flew out so they could fly back with me.
The second time I experienced a panic attack was on a train to London. Got off the train at a station, and despite being is desperate need of help everyone seemed to walk past me like someone to be avoided.
I now have medication and I know the triggers that lead to a panic attack.
I knew I needed a way to communicate I am having a panic attack so I created the Adjustment Card.
I don’t like to wear it round my neck, but just knowing it’s there in my pocket helps to calm me.
Having been in a position where a panic attack was badly mishandled and then a further experience where I was ignored, with plenty of station staff looking at me like I have landed from Mars I knew I needed to do something to raise awareness.
My first panic attack was the worst experience of my life. Sure it’s a good dinner party story but if I could help anyone avoid it, I would.